Are you bored of New York? Wish you lived somewhere else for a change? Well, why not do something a whole lot easier than move elsewhere…pretend to be a tourist and see the city anew, instead!

Of course, this will involve going to cream-of-the-crop tourist bars—you know, the ones that are so good that people visiting for just two to four days overwhelmingly choose them to drink away their vacation in. That means they must be good, right?

230 Fifth
This rooftop bar is always widely broadcasting itself both sonically and visually, pumping the stalest of the top 40 while casting blue and purple lights that go onto adorn about 20 Christmas trees during the colder months of the year. You know it’s good because there’s a guy walking up and down Fifth Avenue all day with a giant sign that tells you it is. (230 5th Ave.; 212-725-4300)

Minus5 Ice Bar
Deep in Midtown West, the location alone should tell you just how refined and unique this ice-filled watering hole is. If you like the quirkiness of shot glasses and bar stools made of ice, you can even get the benefit of enjoying ice bars in many other locations worldwide, including the Cayman Islands! Also, the potential of contracting scabies from the parkas you borrow throughout your time there makes the ice bar experience in midtown Manhattan all the more exciting. (1335 Avenue of the Americas; 212-757-4610)

Calico Jack’s
Another midtown gem, Calico Jack’s offers up amazing party deals for you and your friends—if you sign up for the raffle and win (you always seem to win!) you get to a host a “party” at the giant, Mexican-themed “cantina” which lets you and your friends have an intimate time surrounded by millions of aggressive strangers while you try to push your way through them to get your money’s worth of the $25 (per person) open bar. Blue and red fishbowls for everyone!! (800 2nd Ave.; 212-557-4300)

McFadden’s Restaurant and Saloon
Just when you thought it couldn’t get any better, Calico Jack’s immediate neighbor (close enough to have the same address) offers the same exact raffle opportunity, but this time, it’s at the ultimate sports bar. Kick back and watch your favorite team win or lose along with a bunch of people so wasted they’ll feel comfortable saying and doing most anything to you! As its own website states, McFadden’s is the “Best Happy Hour Bar in New York City.” (800 2nd Ave.; 212-986-1515)

The Slaughtered Lamb Pub
With an interior decorator whom Upper East Side wives must be absolutely clamoring to get at, The Slaughtered Lamb Pub has an artfully (if not subtly) crafted dark and dreary appeal. From the life-size, lifeless damsel in distress statue to the skeleton above the front entrance, you’re going to love drinking betwixt such curated horrors as you munch on, say, The Slaughtered Lamb Burger (“Is it cow, or is it actually lamb?” you’ll be asking yourself with glee). (182 W 4th St.; 212-627-LAMB)

Joshua Tree
This bar has got to be as hip and promising as it suggests. With a prime location in Murray Hill, you’re bound to meet the next 10 plus men who will sexually assault you (if you’re female), meaning you’ll always have a partner to grind with. Meanwhile, the 80s music videos playing will give you something to look at (anything but the people, right?). Plus, it advertises microbrews. Did I mention hip? (513 3rd Ave.; 212-689-0058)

Jekyll and Hyde Club
Not unlike The Slaughtered Lamb that shares its owner, this Times Square club (wow, just hearing those three words together makes my heart beat faster) offers the perfect cocktails to match its sinister spirit. By adding words like “potion” to a piña colada and “murder” to a jazzed up vodka cranberry, this club knows how to put you in the mood so you can dance the night away…with plastic fangs all around you…in Times Square. (216 W 44th St.; 212-869-HYDE)

Photo via Calico Jack's